E-mail
2007-10-08 - 2:49 p.m.
So, I got an email from my mom, regarding Family Weekend. What was strange is some of it showed me that she really wanted to rebuild our relationship, which is a big step for my mom. It'd be interesting to see if we could make progress.
Another big portion of it was bunk, and a lot of it I merely need to address when I can actually think...Right now, I'm running on about an hour-and-a-half of sleep and adrenaline at the fact that I'mma gonna see my girlfriend in about six hours.
Anyway, the email:
Liz, I felt bad driving home because we set out to bring
you fun and the material things that you needed. It seemed to me that you
were uptight the minute we arrived. It also appears to me that you are not
very happy. I hope that maybe I read the signs wrong. Is this a time where
maybe we need to sit down with a professional and see what it is we can do
to restore you and place you in a healthy atmosphere. I do think you
anticipate trouble when you are with us and fly off the handle at
anything. I did not get upset with your hair. I told our family that I was
happy that you took the step to better yourself. I was also proud that you
were ready on time. I feel bad about your room. I also have high standards
about cleaning and everything else and I tend to get opinionated when
others don't meet them. I am proud of our job in the bookstore and I am
proud that you are striving to do well in school. I think you need to
identify what you enjoy doing. I wonder how you would evaluate yourself
about making friends this year as opposed to last year. I am not worried
about how big your strides are, I just want you to be making some. I am
not really sure what to do for you? I am concerned and I believe you can
be more. I thought maybe you could answer this question for
starters...What do you expect your family to do for you and what do you
expect you need to do for your family? Let me know if you have any
thoughts about anything I've said. me
This is just a reply that comes from my mind, not one I'm necessarily sending.
I believe that the intent was good, as usual, the intent is always good when it comes to my family. Yet they say the pathway to Hell is paved with good intentions. I know they came with anticipation of fun, shopping, food, and fluffy beds, etc. etc., so did I for that matter. I was honestly looking forward to seeing them, considering how jocular my mom has been on the phone lately. I always have a degree of apprehension when it comes to having my family around because I never feel like I fit in. It's always the four v. the one. Or, in this case, the three v. the one. I don't believe I was uptight from the get-go, I was really excited and being playful. My fear is they don't understand my humor style, specifically my mom.
I have been a lot happier lately, but my depression skyrocketed last month, and I'm still recovering from that, and it's not an immediate matter of development so it takes time. But I can't really explain this to my mom because I don't want to get back on meds, they caused nothing but trouble last time, and because she'll say it's my fault and I'll get a see-I-told-you-so per usual.
I do anticipate trouble, but also I anticipate trouble because those expectations are usually met with a startling degree of accuracy. Nonetheless, I was excited to see Tom and Dad, both who have new jobs, I wanted to show them the campus bookstore, introduce them to my boss, The Douche Bag , etc. I was proud of my half of the room and had hoped it would put Rebecca's side to shame. I never said my mom was upset with my hair, I was merely embarassed at the way it looked myself.
She mentions the friend-making thing, and I think I'm doing a better job making friends and reaching out to people this year as opposed to last year, but I still am a loner to some degree. It's fine with me, to be honest, but I can go to parties if I want to, I have the connections, I know who to call, but I'm still trying to build up trust with people who I just want to talk to about the serious things.
She says she thinks I can be more, but she's never seeing the full picture, just the brief sketches I demonstrate via the phone or via short visits like this past weekend.
I am amounting to a lot more than I ever believed I could, yet I still feel like I could be more as well. Yet I just want to be enough for her, as impossible as that standard is. I just want my mom to like me, in addition to the mandatory love she demonstrates.
The final question requires thought. And lots of it. Hopefully, Amanda and I can discuss that because she's a good soundboard.
So, yeah.
A lot to think about, but for now, nappage.
Ps. 7 hours until I see my g/f.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me.