Unattractive
2007-12-03 - 3:05 a.m.
I've lost my ability to sleep these days. I lie awake and listen to the air rushing through the vents, the faint hum of the television and wonder if my girlfriend is sleeping alright and wondering if I'll ever be sane again.
I feel like I'm keeping secrets from her, but I don't know what the secrets are. Casey told me she always thought I was sweet, but she had her own shit to deal with, and I wasn't sure what shit she was referring to, but I do remember her being the quiet type.
It turns out she's a lesbian and interested in gay rights too. It turns out she remembers me, even though I doubted she would.
It turns out, I don't feel attractive anymore...I don't feel pretty or sexy. I feel like maybe my cleavage can be appealing, but as a whole, I feel ugly, ugly, ugly.
I want to feel beautiful, I want to be beautiful. Instead, I wear gel in my hair and make-up to cover the blemishes that no amount of make-up can hide because they're on the inside.
(Where they say beauty really counts, but I have no beauty to share.)
Me.