Awaken by the rings
2007-12-02 - 3:28 a.m.
I've never been the type to ignore a friend's phone call, but what happens when the number is unrecognizable, and the call comes at 3:18 in the morning. First, you wonder if everything's alright, then your mind goes to who would want to fuck me because surely it's someone drunk-dialing, and usually that someone turns out to be a male and that someone usually turns out to be horny.
Imagine my surprise when I heard a female voice before an audible click. I wonder who you are and at what expense to my sanity.
I can't fall back asleep just yet, I looked at PostSecret, makes me wish I knew Morse code. I wish I could unlock the secrets to the universe with a kiss (because God knows with all the kissing I've done, all the fucking I've accomplished, I'd have discovered the cure to cancer by now) . I wish I could tear open snowflakes and share their insides with you.
I wish I were the type of person who carried vanilla in her back pocket to snow into ice cream. I wish I were beautiful or understood what it meant to be beautiful. My legs hurt and keep bleeding worse than they did the night before, and only a few days ago, I was holding a scissors to my skin, trying to figure out how to stab my heart out, how to break the skin.
Then, yesterday, only a couple days after the fact of wanting death (so to make a better life for all), my mom calls and tells me she's having a breakdown, her heart is torn in half, that the doctor tells her not to tell me things, though I ask her to tell me things. My mom tells me it's giving up when not wanting to see the guy who raped me is important to me. She tells me because I chose to move out here it must be easy on me.
Apparently, she really doesn't know how hard it was to bite back tears in those first few days.
I just need an ally, and though I have them, I never feel as though I can extend myself past the inevitable.
I still feel ugly, I still feel as though I will never satisfy myself, much less another human being, but I'll tape a cellophane smile to my lips because you know, it's only see-through if you look too close.
Me.