amanda
2008-03-20 - 11:12 a.m.
She was lying in bed on her back, I was lying in bed on my back, and it felt as though I should be pointing out imaginary constellations like I used to just to see a smile crease those cheeks. Instead, I listened, I played the role of supportive better than I usually did, and then, I broke down into hysterics.
I was fine with crying in bathrooms (been doing it since grade school), but once I laid back down, I remembered her laugh, and the thought of never hearing it again broke my heart. I started to cry as quietly as I could, and then it broke apart into a million tears. Not just because of never hearing that laugh again, but because she slipped her arms around me and just held me like that, and I felt so helpless. As usual, she felt like my security blanket, my biggest strength, and for a moment, I used it, and then I realized I shouldn't, tried to act like I was fine, and then, I broke into hysterics. I should have called M.J., I should have gone outside or on a walk, but instead, I lay in bed and broke her heart.
I wish I could just...help.
I used to be able to listen, and everything would be better when the sun rose. Now, I'm out on the couch by myself, listening to the wind blow and wishing that she could be happy.
...I always thought she deserved to be happy, even before I dated her.