If found, please report...
2007-11-07 - 10:03 p.m.
I'm a thousand miles from everything I thought I knew. This isn't what I expected, and I'm not sure why I insist on falling apart on a daily basis.
Ben and I agreed that love makes you insecure, but you used to be what makes me more confident than anybody, and here I lie on a bed with a cat and some of my things lying around, feeling as small as an ant hill.
It's not a great feeling, especially all the while you were sleeping, I was waiting for the moment those sleep-dusted eyes would turn their gaze on me.
Now, you're awake, and a computer has your attention more than I.
I feel unattractive as usual, a new burn to add to the list, and pretty lonesome, if I'm being honest.
I'm a thousand miles away from what I thought I knew, and I still don't feel like I'm enough.
I told her I didn't feel like I knew anyone, even her, and her love seems more distant, less poetic, less powerful now that I'm here.
Maybe it's depression nuking the happiness out of us, but once the depression cools, will the passion simmer again?
It seems as though I feel like I'm constantly running out of time. I want to be the Class A romantic, sweep her off her feet, but she'd rather remain grounded.
I'm not enough for me, so how did I really expect to be enough for another person?
I can't run, a couple nights' ago taught me that. I stood roadside, pondering my life, barefoot and alone.
I feel the rally of support from friends who never really knew me, but she just feels distant.
Why does it have to be this way? I wish I had a long blonde wig with highlights and bright blue contacts, maybe then she'd find me beautiful. Maybe if I were twenty pounds lighter and everything she ever needed, she'd be able to show me she loved me. If I weren't so goddamn persistant that she quit smoking, quit drinking, quit having fun, and take her meds, then maybe she'd love me more.
I just don't feel like enough anymore...I used to feel like I was enough when her green eyes were upon me.
Now, I just feel lost in space.
Me.