Life-long learner
2007-11-13 - 2:17 p.m.
I'm just an amateur, pretending to be an expert. When I say I don't know, I really don't know. I want to be everything everyone needs all the time when really, I'm just floundering on the words. She told me I had a trustworthy face, and I wasn't about to tell her that I can't be trusted with my own problems, but if a stranger were to tell me her secrets, I'd hold them until the day I die. I don't know anything except life experiences, as far as my education is concerned, I didn't learn anything in classrooms except how to share and play fair. I'm trying my damnedest here. When you have no education, it seems like learning is the only thing you can do.
I want to be smart, I want to impress you, and sweep you off your feet, sweep you to this new land, but I'm not smart enough, and count on this, I'm going to let you down.
They have a diagnosis for me. The doctor at the hospital had a label ready, shrinkwrapped to fit this body of mine, and I didn't want to wear it, the label on the pickel jar seemed more apropos.
Now, reading what the ol' doc said, I start to believe he knew what he was talking about after all. The extremes, the ambivalence, everything starts to fall into place, and I feel like I'm diagnosed all over again. What does it matter if I have a label, so long as it fits right? I'm willing to assume everybody lives with a label, everybody is battling some invisible demons, mine have a name.
It's not a name like Fred, but it's a name regardless. I hope to God I can be cured of my ailments, I hope to God I can feel like I measure up.
I'm just an amateur, practicing so I can be an expert. I'm just the girl who loves to learn, yet though I've spent the majority of my life in school, I haven't learned a damn thing.
I need to learn a few lessons...I need to learn my lessons and start changing from the ground up.
Me.