Where I've Been, Where I want to Go
2007-11-26 - 7:41 a.m.
So, you've all seen me underexposed and overwhelmed; now I need you to rethink all those optical illusions running through your head. I ran into a traffic jam today, only to have memories sift through my fingers like sugar, like paper money. I've placed a bet on the losing horse because the payout is the highest, but the likelihood any money will burn in my pocket because of said bet is as unlikely as anything. I'll look you in the eye until you can't remember what it's like to feel anymore.
I can't believe this all has been a year, when some thing's feel like yesterday. We've been dating for practically a year, and now, we drive to work together. I never thought I'd wear so much black with my mother's approval, but she always was a material girl.
My favorite way to live is my way, and if anybody expects me to do otherwise, I'll find a bulldozer and just ram them down.
This isn't going to be for forever, but this is what works, and we all know the military life would never pan out for me in the end.
So, chase all the hurricanes you can because you aren't getting your adrenaline any other way. I'll say some things ordinary people would regret, but I learned years ago as the headlights chased me down with rain streaming down like melted glass, no regrets.
Like I said, I can't believe it's been twenty years.
I've had first kisses from boys whose mouths were ensnared in metal, I've had first fucks from boys who told me they played bass, they'd been to Pakistan. I've had concerns for my heart since the seventh grade when I started cutting myself, but not for the attention, when I started writing poetry in a black notebook about "when do the drugs kick in", about "when will I ever feel alive again?". I had concerns for my heart since the seventh grade when they hooked me up with electrodes and made me run the mile and told me something was wrong with my heart, and maybe I'd outgrow it. I've walked God knows how many miles to save myself, and in the end, I wasn't even sure I wanted to be saved.
I've fought for issues I didn't care about, kissed people I had no interest in dating, slept with people I had no interest in loving. I lived too fast and drank absinthe to heal a heartbreak that shouldn't have affected me so. I've screamed at my mom and told her that she was fucking crazy. I've been told I have a mental disorder by doctors and by friends with not so pure intentions (and those with pure intentions). I've been afraid of the dark and of things in me that I cannot change, no matter how hard I try. I've been placed on counters of kitchens to be fondled until the macaroni microwave is done heating up. I've been pulled into a bathroom, pushed against a wall, and I feel sexy when I'm losing control, and you have it all.
I want to dye my hair again, I want to go on a walk in the rain with my hand being held. I want to drink absinthe and do the drugs the police officer always asked me not to try. I want to go back to school and learn everything there is to learn, and this time actually take it to heart because I've had too many years of a faux education.
I want to learn and drink hot chocolate and throw marshmallows at you. I've done so much, but they say I still seem like a child to them. My eyes still light up when I see snow, I still cry when you hurt my feelings or I skin my knee the wrong way. Of course, I've been living my life with passion since before day one.
No wonder she says I've been trouble since the first day...Some people just can't handle their passion intakes.
Me.